so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize