I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
