Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
