it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
