Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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