he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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