It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
