I want to walk on stilts...naked
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize