did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
