Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
