you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
