My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
