I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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