Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
