im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
