Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
