last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
