Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
