So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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