I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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