i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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