He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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