I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
