we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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