im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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