Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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