smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
