I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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