Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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