I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
