she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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