I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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