You're my little dorito
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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