...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
