How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
