I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
