She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
