My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
