If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
