The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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