Already got asked if we're dating
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
