when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
