I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
