Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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