i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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