FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
