i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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