i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
