Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
