you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
