i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
where are you?
Hypothermia
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
