I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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