how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
