Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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