Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
