Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
