if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
