that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
