you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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