i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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