so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
